TAH.
KIDNEY THIEVES (2006)
Directed by Toby Wilkins
Starring:
Ethan Embry
Paget Brewster
Paul F. Tompkins
Written by Ben Acker
Produced by Toby Wilkins & Steve Celniker
Director of Photography Kirk Douglas
Edited by Toby Wilkins
Production Designer Jennifer Spence
Music by New Maximum Donkey & Zoo Street Music
A bit of fun with a Mean Girls template: A Tribute to Mitt Romney
I love seeing this quote of Regina’s get turned into funny stuff, so here’s mine:
Let me tell you something about Mitt Romney. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started liking Barack Obama because he’s totally democratic and for the people, and Mitt was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Obama, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?”
So then, for my birthday party, which was a non-prejudiced pool party, I was like, “Mitt, I can’t invite you, because you’re Republican.” I mean I couldn’t have a Republican at my party. There were gonna be all sorts of people and cultures there, being democratic. I mean, right? He was a REPUBLICAN. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he lost the election because no one wanted that kind of Republican in the White House and he’s actually pretty racist and ridiculous, and when he came back after the election, he lost a whole bunch of Facebook friends and blamed his losing on black and Hispanic people, and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s on crack.
Dear Chris Brown,
Three years ago, you punched your girlfriend repeatedly in the face while screaming that you were going to to kill her. You smashed her bloodied head against a car window, bit her ear and fingers, and placed her in a choke hold until she began to lose consciousness. The beating was brutal, sustained, and left your girlfriend hospitalized.
That really should have been it for you, but you hired a crisis management team, expressed an obligatory amount of remorse, and a surprising number of your idiot fans were willing to overlook the fact that you savagely beat a female.
This past week, you revealed your freshly inked neck tattoo, and it’s plainly obvious that it’s the face of a battered woman, one that bears a striking resemblance to your ex-girlfriend.
Of course, being the little punk that you are, you denied that the tattoo was of her likeness. Instead, your publicist went into damage control mode and made the ridiculous claim that your tattoo was based on a MAC Cosmetics face chart inspired by a Mexican sugar skull. To cap off the absurdity, you tweeted, “I’m an artist and this is art. Dia de los Muertos.”
I’m sorry, but you are not an artist. You’re not even a man. You are a stupid, violent child with a minor talent, and you don’t seem to realize how easily replaceable you are. If Ne-Yo and Usher each produced one extra auto-tuned B-side a year, no one would even notice you were gone.
Your music is cheap candy, a bunch of heavily processed garbage filled with artificial sweeteners and no nutritional value. That’s fine. There’s a market for R&B flavored bubble gum, but don’t go around calling yourself an artist, and let’s not pretend that your new tattoo is art.
Your tattoo is nothing but a toy badge, an empty threat from an angry boy who resents his role as a pop culture villain. Well guess what, Chris? You’re always going to be the villain. Nothing is ever going to change that, and if you don’t like it, then feel free to step off the stage.
No one will miss you.
Yours in disgust,
The Coquette
(Read my Unsolicited Advice column weekends in The Daily.)
Yessss.
The Bush administration and key members of your party spent the last decade exploiting 9/11 for political gain. As a direct result of this exploitation, our country waged a false war and wasted a trillion dollars.
I point this out as a friendly reminder for those of you who think that President…
“What should we name these two pineapples? Something tropical…Rihanna. And…Chris Brown? But then we’d have to cut chunks out of Rihanna. Too soon?” —Brandi
Ha! Aren’t I just the worst?
